Dan, Phil and the Disco Blender
by iamthechickenqueen
Summary: Phil buys a new blender after breaking the old one, but what arrives in the post is not what he expected. Can he use this crazy blender to throw his one true love, Dan, a birthday party he will never forget, or will the blender's crazy party nature cause despair?


"Dan," Phil called from the lounge as he sat on the sofa with his laptop on his knees. "Dan, I think I've found a good one".

Phil was searching the Internet for a new blender after breaking the last one they had owned. A few weeks ago he had attempted to make Dan, his one true love, the nicest milkshake he had ever tasted as a small gesture of his love for him. However, whilst he was preoccupied with trying to please Dan, he had forgotten to make sure the blender was on a stable surface. As it was quite old it had a habit of jumping around and Phil had just about managed to escape the kitchen with his life after it had gone haywire and tried to kill him. He felt guilty about the fact that he had ruined everything and was determined to make it up to Dan by purchasing a newer, and even better, blender.

Dan peered at the laptop screen as he entered the room.

"Wow, that looks fancy"

"Look at all the buttons it has!" Phil began excitedly. "We'll be able to make all sorts of cool things with this!"

"Yeah" Dan replied, "After we figure out how to use it. It looks so complicated"

Two weeks later and a package arrived at the apartment where Dan and Phil lived. Phil hurried to un-box the contents and was happy to see a new state-of-the-art blender inside.

As he was home alone Phil, decided he would work out how to use the blender and have the spectacular milkshake waiting for Dan when he got back.

And that's when things started to get strange.

_They've included the wrong instructions_ he thought. _These look like they belong to a child's toy._

But, after further inspection, Phil realised that the instructions the company had supplied were indeed for the blender he had purchased.

The blender had many buttons:

On/Off  
Speed One  
Speed Two  
Speed Three  
Turbocharged  
Disco Time  
Enlarge  
Car Engine  
Hot  
Cold  
Yes  
No  
In  
Out  
Up  
Down  
Torture  
Self Destruct

And that was all the instruction booklet included.

Phil was more confused than the time he had walked in on Dan laying on his bedroom floor with a paper bag over his head and no trousers on. He had mumbled a quick "video stuff", but Dan had never uploaded a video with any of the footage he was filming, and thinking back Phil wasn't even sure he had seen the camera in the room to begin with after he had made a rather hasty exit.

The only thing Phil could think to do was test it out for himself, so he made his way to the kitchen and set the blender down on the work surface.

Loading it up with fruit, he started off with the first few buttons. The blender turned on. The blender turned off. The blender sped up and sped down. It seemed a perfectly good, and perfectly normal blender.

The next button was turbocharged. The blender immediately sped up to the point that Phil got scared it was going to explode, so turned it off.

He spent the next hour playing with various buttons.

Later on Dan walked into the kitchen after spending a day at the YouTube creator's space to find Phil dancing around to Ke$ha...  
...with a seven foot tall blender.

"WHAT THE...?"

Phil turned around in shock, his face mirroring Dan's. He ran up to the blender and turned it off. It immediately stopped jumping around to the funky beat. The music cut out and the disco lights faded.

"I, erm, I was... This is what happens when you press the disco time and enlarge buttons together..."

"Is this our new blender? What the fuck Phil? What website did you get this from?"

After Dan had calmed down and Phil had caught his breath (believe it or not it was rather embarrassing to be caught dancing with your blender), Phil had a chance to explain all about their new appliance and told him of a plan he had for Dan's birthday the next week.

"We can use the blender to throw a party! It's all we will need. The disco time feature means we have lights and music, we can enlarge it again to make it louder and brighter AND it can make loads of amazing cocktails! C'mon Dan, I know how much you love cocktails!"

And so the next week, after Dan had agreed to Phil's plan, the apartment was packed with their friends to celebrate Dan being yet another year closer to the grave.

It was a great success. Everyone was having a brilliant time, especially Dan, and Phil was close to tears at the thought that he had made him so happy. It was all he wanted to see Dan smile and tonight, he decided, he was going to confess his true feelings to him. Everything was just perfect.

"Pphillipp!" A drunk Chris stumbled into Phil's side and threw an arm around his neck. "That blender thing is trippy. I want one..."

* * *  
It was late into the night and a ridiculously intoxicated Dan had crawled up onto the table to start a can-can. Phil smiled lazily to himself from the other side of the room and ungracefully flopped onto the sofa after having drunk too much alcohol himself.

The blender was still going full steam ahead. This was the best party it had ever been too. Having been mixing drinks all night, the blender itself was also drunk, and seeing Dan dancing next to him on the table, its thoughts were purely sexual.

The blender moved closer to Dan and before anyone knew it, they were grinding.

Dan hooked his leg around the blender's handle and the blender continued to rock from side to side, flashing it's lights around the room.

They bumped, they twerked - hell, they even shimmied.

But as Dan tried to manoeuvre his way around the blender's exterior in his drunken state he tripped.

Everything happened in slow motion.

Dan's foot caught the edge of the table and his torso was flung sideways. At that point the blender had gotten a little saucy and taken its top off. Dan's body tumbled into the blender and he was blended to death.

Phil leapt off the sofa, the best he could whilst his head was fuzzy from too many Tequila Sunrises, and ran towards the now bloody blender.

It was too late. All that was left was the puréed remains of his one true love.

The blender felt sick. Partly because of the alcohol (it was a bit of a lightweight) but mainly because it had blended its friend on their birthday. On. Their. Birthday. What kind of friend does that?

Drunk, not thinking straight and stricken with grief the blender tipped itself to the side and let gravity to do the rest. It toppled over onto the self destruct button and parts of blender and puréed Dan flew across the room as it committed suicide.

Phil was broken. He never even got to tell Dan how much he loved him. This was all his fault. He had bought the blender, he had suggested throwing a party and now Dan was dead.

In the months that followed after the funeral, Phil pledged to go on a mission to hunt down as many evil sons of blenders as he possibly could, and avenge Dan's death.

Not two days later he got arrested for walking into Argos and smashing up all the blenders he could see with a cricket bat.

The End


End file.
